Disconnected

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I’m still bothered.

September.

Man, I’m so stressed. I’ve been letting thoughts build some fort of anxiety in my head lately and now I am just looking at myself with contempt.

 

I don’t know what triggered this stress but I feel obsess with knowing where I belong and what I’m entitled to. I can’t ignore that being born in Europe at this time is basically life being handed to you on a silver platter. Along with ‘luck’, I was granted with knowledge and conscience. And I know it’s a privilege many don’t have access to.

 

And I wonder, do I deserve it? Am I legitimate to being so lucky and having supporting family/friends?

 

I feel like conscience comes with responsibility. You know and therefore, you have the duty to do something about things you find unfair.

 

Damn if you knew the number of things I find unfair in this world. I certainly don’t have a solution to fix them all, but I can’t stop thinking it’s not working as it should (and could hopefully?)┬ábe.

 

I talked about that around me, to strangers with whom I shared the road some weeks ago. The conclusion we came up to is that it is a complex thing to change the world. Too big, too omniscient to even grasp a firm concept of what the world/system/global is.

You can only do so much. You can do some resistance in a world you find unfair. You can’t change the rules but you can bend them a little to create a ‘fairer’ space, even a tiny one.

You can do some resistance in a world you find unfair. You can’t change the rules but you can bend them a little to create a ‘fairer’ space, even a tiny one. You can do acts of kindness in a harsh environment, just to make it a bit less hostile. And hope that this act of kindness you did will encourage another one to be created.

It’s all about planting a seed and hoping it will grow. Sometimes it won’t and it will be doomed to perish in dirt, negligence and cold. But at least you gotta try.

 

Do things at your scale and persist, even when you don’t see the results right away. I mean, with time, the amount of good will and positivism you put into something gotta make a difference right? Or at least trigger something that will?

 

I just need the reassurance that this isn’t blind hope and that the position I’m in isn’t going to waste. There are many things I am not happy with. But I don’t want to just be the little angry European that will do nothing about it.

 

 

So now that the solution seems laid down (do things at your scale, you cannot change the world), I should just deal with it and stop feeling guilty for the world’s misery.

Yet, I feel like each passing day is a reminder that I’m making no difference to anyone or anything and I feel selfish for going on with my days with things that are only related to me or my close environment.

 

 

 

I need to ease this feeling of culpability. I need to learn how to cohabitate without getting consumed.

I need to learn to be peaceful again.

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Ah damn. I’ve started at least three articles and stopped writing them because they were nothing else than a bundle of anxiety and panic attacks.

I live in pure anguish lately and my mind is busy making a tedious list of all the things out of my control such as; stress, my legitimacy, world poverty, injustice, unfairness, rape culture, growing & latent racism, ignorance, privilege and duty.

 

This is basically what my nightmares are made of for the moment. And I have this delightful ability to contemplate all it is I could be doing but am not doing. Thanks to this gracious work, I feel like I’m making one with the very concept of culpability.

 

It’s a terrible thing feeling guilty for just being.

 

 

Kids, if you see someone nurturing carefully their low self-esteem, be nice and get them out of it. Nothing good comes out of it, really. It’s just decay from the moment you’re questioning your right to be.


 

 

I should chill really but it’s difficult when it seems that your head is underwater and you realize it’s your own hands keeping you down there.