I haven’t posted anything here, and yet, God knows how much I’ve written.
I guess I’m afraid things will get too personal so I would rather write somewhere I know it won’t be read. I should take on the habit to write when I’m feeling something else than negative feelings, otherwise it can get personal really easily. I wrote so much this month of September and October, this is impressive and sad at the same time.
I’m writing as I’m now taking pictures with an analog camera; the idea of documenting my life, how uninteresting/fascinating it can be is a challenge and a long-term curiosity. I cannot help but think about the time I’ll re-discover these pictures in some decades. I want to capture the time I live in now because I know it won’t last, and this is the beauty of it.
2015 lasts 365 days and we already passed 309 of them.
We’re all so ephemeral.
Photography almost seems unnatural as it captures something that should have passed. It catches one moment in time and then locks it away on film, paper, pixels, data…
I can’t help but thinking, I am twenty years-old, I know nothing of the world and yet it feels like I’m already carrying with me a large suitcase of useless feelings.
Some days ago, I literally smashed my chin against the ground after taking a turn a bit too fast on the morning dew with my bike. Since then, I’ve been brushing the wound away claiming ‘It doesn’t even hurt!’ with a smile. I still went to the emergency room (which ironically makes it my first proper accident that requires me to go to the emergencies -and abroad, with the questions ‘who shall I see’, ‘does my insurance cover it’, ‘is there anything open on a freaking sunday morning’) and got proudly fixed up until the pain started to appear days later. While it may seem like the open wound is the worst, the internal trauma I caused to my jaw with the shock is the one that’s constantly reminding me of the fall and I can’t smile saying it doesn’t hurt anymore. It hurts constantly. Fucking. Constantly.
And I got hit by a truck one month ago. I definitely know how to keep myself busy pain-wise. At least my shoulder doesn’t hurt now, so my body can fully focus on welcoming the pain of my lower jaw.
I am starting to accumulate a lot of scars, internal and external. My knees are a living proof of where I go, my fingers are wearing a collection of cuts (I do stuff with knifes like cooking, carving sticks, the usual) and the rest of my body is doing its best to distribute harmoniously the rest of my fucking life. Good thing bruises are temporary, because otherwise I would quickly apply to be a smurf in the closest theme park.
Ah, sarcasm is definitely the thing keeping us, human beings, alive.